Age 23 - Radioactive

by - 2:42 PM


I haven't done an age in review in a while. I came up with this wild idea to start my website and I am IN LOVE. So I didn't want to do all of my year in reviews before I launched the website. I've been networking with a lot of other bloggers and admiring as well as learning what what works for them! I think I really need to do an about me section. Most of my traffic comes from Instagram. You can check it out in the link! I also wanted to do some year and reviews AFTER I saw Marina in concert.

Anyway, age 23 was kind of an amazing, remarkable year and transitional year.

SIDE NOTE: I want to talk about what happened right before I moved to Utah. What happened with my father and how that changed my outlook on life. IN ANOTHER BLOG POST.

I put the music video first! Because, I absolutely love it!

RADIOACTIVE

I had my 23rd birthday in Utah. Away from all of my family. I decorated the whole office and gave everyone valentines day things. Graham had flowers and chocolate sent to the office for me! 23 has always been my lucky number. I met Graham on the 23rd, when he was 23, Marinas EP Family Jewels was released the same year on March 23rd. There were 23 people in the english class we met in. 23 class meetings before the final. Wedding day was May 23, 2012(1+2=3). May is the 5th month of the year 2 + 3 = 5. Same with 6! Because 2x3=6! 6 letters in my name and 6 letters in Grahams name. It sounds crazy, but anything that happens in life I ALWAYS somehow connect it with 6 or 23! That Movie 23 isn't far from the truth. Im sure people might be thinking I am some evil spawn from satan. I am!!! How did you know?? hahaha. Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches you get from people. But, I consider it a "lucky" number.

So when I turned 23 I thought it would be "THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE" thus far. I...was...wrong. It was a weird year, but the most eventful and most IMPORTANT year of my life.

I was living in Utah counting the clock to go home. MADLY bitter that I HAD to go home. I watched as graham was offered his permanent position, doing these awesome projects and loving his job. I was so jealous of him. I know that sounds weird because he was my husband, but I'm not the kind of woman to live off of my husbands accomplishments. He would remind me that "everything I have is because of and for you." That wasn't enough for me. I don't care if you are a success, I want to be a success too!

Although I was able to train in Utah, Fresno has WAY different programs than Utah. So even though I was able to go home and have a job waiting for me...I was going to have to wait for training season to start over again so I could learn Fresno's applications. I was able to come home, but it meant Miserable months of being everything I never wanted to be: a Stay at home wife! HELL NO! I fell into a deep depression you would not believe. I cut EVERYONE off and didn't speak to anyone for months and months and months and months and months. Because lets be honest...I was a LOSER. A LOSER living off of a man. At this point I was willing to work at hooters. I didn't care. I just wanted something to do.

Being alone all the time helped me get time to think. Meeting new people that gave me perspective on how ahead of my time I was. I started to try new things and get out of my same perpetual cycle of a spotless house, and literally nothing to do with my life. Because for me, my Career is EVERYTHING to me. I nothing brings me more joy than that. It was also when I felt better about leaving the church.

I had NO idea that I had litterally worked and worked and worked and worked and worked so much that I fell of the worlds axis. I put my desires and emotional well being on the back burner that if I wasn't working the idea of "FUN" was such a foreign concept. Thank goodness I met people, one in particular that was able to bring that out in me. Now, I think too much play is bad. But, I am glad that I have officially learned a fun, professional and meaningful balance in life to enjoy it and be free.

And you know what? All the work I have done these past years, has made it all worth it. Because I can afford those drinks, nights out, vacations and don't have to worry about being young and stupid. But, I am an adult and do adult things with other young urban professionals that I can relate to. Because we all watched everyone else have "fun" while we put our nose in the books and launched our career, built networking and sacrificed a lot. Because I was young and stupid in a different way.

It gave me time to see what I don't want, what I need and what I wish I could change.

I chose Radioactive. Because those lonely boring times I had, I remember looking back at me and Graham and if I had just been honest that I did not like the culture he was investing in. If I would have been honest that his way of life would NEVER bring me happiness. Things would be different.

It gave me a lot of time to reevaluate and settle for a new path. I knew it was unfair to make a person change his life style for me. Seeing as hated it when it was the other way around. I accept that I will never fit in with Mormon culture. Also, my in-laws will NEVER like or accept me. At the end of the day, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! Because my in-laws didn't like me when I tried to conform and "fit-in." So, I might as well be happy, take the wig off and be ME!

The Radioactive music video reminds me of when Graham and I drove to Salt Lake, stayed in this absolute crap hotel and went sight seeing...had our adventures and were a couple. According to rumors, I came back from that trip pregnant. LOL! I've been 5 years pregnant, damn...thats a record. I remember thinking, how STUPID it was that anyone had an opinion on where two adult people were going and what they were doing. STUPID. There is no other word for it.

I remember thinking that whole trip, I will NEVER fit in. But I want to be with this person too much and it's worth it to me. Maybe I CAN do it. I know I am ALL wrong for this person...but I wan't it to much....

Life Lessons:
That you will regret the things you didn't do, WAY more than the things you did wrong.

What I Wish I Knew Then:
That I'm actually a pretty adventurous person. That I should never try to cage myself, because people will dim you and make you bitter if you continue to do so. 

Marina Song:
Radioactive - By Marina and the Diamonds
Why? Because I should never try to be anything if it means I am forgoing my happiness. That I should TAKE THE WIG OFF and be me! 



RADIOACTIVE
Lying on a fake beach
You'll never get a tan
Baby I'm gonna leave you drowning until you reach for my hand

In the night your heart is full and by the morning empty
But baby I'm the one who left you, you're not the one who left me

When you’re around me, I’m radioactive
My blood is burning, radioactive
I'm turning radioactive
My blood is radioactive
My heart is nuclear
Love is all that I fear
I'm turning radioactive
My blood is radioactive

Waiting for the night fall, for my heart to light up
Oh baby I want you to die for, for you to die for my love

In the night your heart is full and by the morning empty
But baby I'm the one who left you, you're not the one who left me

When you’re around me, I’m radioactive
My blood is burning, radioactive
I'm turning radioactive
My blood is radioactive
My heart is nuclear
Love is all that I fear
Ready to be let down
Now I’m heading for a meltdown

Tonight I feel like neon gold
I take one look at you and I grow cold
And I grow cold...
And I grow cold...

When you’re around me, I’m radioactive
My blood is burning, radioactive
I'm turning radioactive
My blood is radioactive
My heart is nuclear
Love is all that I fear
Ready to be let down
Now I’m heading for a meltdown

My heart is nuclear
Love is all that I fear.

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