Age 22 - Are You Satisfied?

2:27 PM


I feel like I said a lot of what I had been meaning to say in my last blog. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people speculate about my life and make totally wrong assumptions. (My life isn't even important) But, I enjoy transparency. I find that if you wear your flaws loud and proud it takes the fun out of others criticizing me. Am I pretentious, obnoxious, loud and eccentric? Yup, and you forgot honest. I value honesty. I say and do a lot of stupid things, but that's who I am. I'm good at evaluating what is good and bad about me and I use to to better myself. If you like me, awesome...that's a true compliment. If you don't like me, what are you doing here? 

I just want people who read this to take what I write at face value. Don't read too deep in the lines. You know? It's not fair to me or you. I remember this one time I posted about my thoughts on a Marina and the Diamonds song "State of Dreaming"Click to Watch . It was about Marilyn Monroe and how she really lived a tragic life and wasn't a good voice for young women. I was literally attacked by people who had NOTHING to do with my post. I didn't even know how to respond to the attacks, so I just left it alone. Oh well. It is what it is. It always feels like this: 

So anyway, moving on. This is what happens when you live in your won universe. I forget that others may have a different interpretation of what I am attempting to convey. Anyway, here is my age 22 in review! 

Things Remembered: 
So, I was a married woman. It was time to kick start our life. We went house hunting found homes we loved, found homes we hated. Deals would fall through and deals were not worth taking. We always found something about the home we didn't like. However, we weren't looking in JUST the state of California...we found an ton of options in Utah. We were totally determined to move away. Mostly because of my In-Laws. I just wanted to live in peace and have an excuse not to be around them, I suppose. I honestly thought things would change, they did for a little while...but it always felt forced and awkward. I never felt like I did anything right. 

Once you get married people expect you to start cranking out little ones(kids). We had no intention of making babies. My biggest fear was being a young mother. I HAD to get my career and degree before becoming a mother was an option. I STILL feel that way. 

So one day I was in accounting, and I received a phone call from Graham that would change our lives completely (at the time I had no idea what a life changer this was). He said he spoke with a woman named Diana about a possible internship with an IP convergence company in Visalia for a company called AMS.net. I was totally stressed from my long work weeks and early classes, rather than respond ecstatically...I simply said, "Oh, that's cool babe, you probably won't get it...but it would be a good experience to go through the process." At this time we were applying out in Utah and we both had solid job options there and planned to move at the end of the year. But I figured, it was an opportunity WAY too good to be true that probably wouldn't happen anyway. It wasn't worth getting worried over. 

So months passed and we were pretty confident we were moving to Utah, we cancelled the house option that we had here and we were going to move come hell or high water. A few months later Diana called Graham for an interview. What? So he scrambled up his lucky suit and went for it. Just a few days later...he got the internship! We were SO excited! It was a summer internship that would end before we moved anyway. This was something totally unexpected. 

Well, his "summer internship" lasted well through the winter and I was beginning to worry. He loved the company, he loved the people and he really loved his job and was learning so much. He was offered a permanent position and he didn't want to leave. I thought? What about me! I have an amazing opportunity waiting for me in a completely different state. Graham pointed out that I could train and transfer to Fresno. Which was true, so it was a lot of soul searching and deciding what we wanted to do. Move to Utah, by myself? For 4 months. WHAT? Graham REALLY loved his new job/the people and thought it was the best option for us. It was crazy.

Life Lessons:
Nothing goes as planned but as long as you have an amazing partner you can accomplish anything! His dreams are as important as mine. All that work we did the past two years was paying off. 

What I Wish I Knew Then:
That Graham really knew what he was doing and made the right decision by staying in California. That things would work out and we would eventually BOTH get what we want. 

Marina Song: 
Are you Satisfied? - Marina and the Diamonds
Why? See the lyrics and you'll see that it fits perfectly. 


ARE YOU SATISFIED
I was pulling out my hair the day I got the deal
Chemically calm
Was I meant to feel happy
That my life was just about to change?

One life pretending to be
The cat who got the cream
Oh, everybody said,
"Marina is a dreamer."
People like to tell you what you're gonna be
It's not my problem if you don't see what I see
And I do not give a damn if you don't believe
My problem, it's my problem
That I never am happy
It's my problem, it's my problem
On how fast I will succeed

Are you satisfied with an average life?
Do I need to lie to make my way in life?

High achiever don't you see
Baby, nothing comes for free
They say I'm a control freak
Driven by a greed to succeed
Nobody can stop me

Cause it's my problem
If I wanna pack up and run away
It's my business if I feel the need to
Smoke and drink and sway
It's my problem, it's my problem
If I feel the need to hide
And it's my problem if I have no friends
And feel I want to die

Are you satisfied with an average life?
Do I need to lie to make my way in life?

Are you satisfied with an easy ride
Once you cross the line
Will you be satisfied?

Sad inside
In this life
Unsatisfied praying
Sad inside
In this life
Unsatisfied waiting

Are you satisfied with an average life
Do I need to lie to make my way in life

Are you satisfied with an easy ride
Once you cross the line
Will you be satisfied?

Black, white
(Are you satisfied, are you satisfied?)
Black, white
(Are you satisfied, are you satisfied?)
Black, white
(Are you satisfied, are you satisfied?)
Black, white
(Are you satisfied, are you satisfied?)

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