Age 21 - Numb

by - 7:30 PM

I took a break from my age in review blogs, I love to make my lists. I had not done one in a while so voila! Anyway, age 21! 


Things Remembered: 
I finally got my foot in the door at IRS, I finally had the balls to change my major and I was training for my new job. It was a pretty pivotal moment for me. The IRS was different, the pay was great for my age and me and Graham had the exact same job at the time (in different units). One thing I didn't like about the IRS was the fact that it was a total cesspool. A lot of extramarital affairs, men want a piece of you and would constantly flirt. Women would flirt with Graham, one girl even asked him on a date. NO SHAME there. It was gross....

Thankfully, I worked with Graham and we spent most of our time together. I know it seems weird to work with your spouse but we only did this for about a year and a half. We went to school FULL-TIME in the morning and worked at night. It was our little schedule. So we never really saw each-other during the week other than at work.  There were times when we would have to work 50+ hours a week. At the time Graham was taking his Cisco courses and I thought it was totally crazy. I was really grudge-full because he swore he "NEEDED" these classes. (I was stupid, I had no idea that he really, really knew what he was doing). I was stressed because I had to take most of the work load for him to study and go to school. I used to be so exhausted by Friday nights that I would sleep in my car for 4 hours and wake up and work another 10 hours on Saturday. 

My life was WORK and SCHOOL. I had no friends and very little interaction with family. I don't regret kicking people to the curb that have NO place in my life, but I horribly regret not nourishing the relationships and people that mean the world to me. Often times we get so caught up in "making it" time passes by and you have neglected to tell them that you love them and think about them often. We also had an AMAZING ward! Caruthers Ward! The greatest, kindest and wonderful people I have ever known! They are the very definition of "humility." 


On top of all our hard work and studying we were planing a wedding. (here is my old blog for that: To Have and to Blog) Unfortunately a lot of family, Grahams side and my side deliberately protested it and did not want to show up. Really the only one cousin matters to me and has a special place in my heart, showed up(sammy). THAT MEANT THE WORLD TO ME! He has no idea. I cried after because, he was the ONE person I wanted/needed to be there for me. Tears of joy that he did that. As for Grahams side of the family. Only 1 person showed up. Of course there a lot of others weren't able to make it due to travel, but sent there undying support! They know who they are. (:

That was our reception. Now our wedding day was very intimate, emotional and gorgeous. Everyone always tells us our wedding pictures were out of this world beautiful. In fact, tourists thought we were modeling for something because I had this long flowing veil that was blowing in the wind. It was a very NOT busy day in the Salt Lake Temple, so random strangers/tourists were standing around just watching us.

May 23, 2012



Graham didn't give me a wedding band. Instead he took my ring from me and exchanged it for a gorgeous Neil Lane ring that absolutely blew my mind. My hands were shaking the entire time that he could barely slide it on. I really felt like a princess getting married in a castle. I just felt proud that we made it. That even though 80% of the people that we thought would love and support us were those who let us down the most. We made our own family, and no longer had to let the ramblings of others try to tear us apart. It was about love and the uniting of two souls. So we really don't care what anyones opinion was. We had a beautiful carriage ride to our favorite restaurant in Salt Lake, both of our phones were dead from all the pictures we were taking and I was so excited our special day had come that I forgot to charge my phone. Just, magical. It all happens in a blink of an eye. So fast.


Life Lessons: 
Tell people you love them, often. IGNORE people that don't support you, even if it is your own parents(my in-laws). Don't be so caught up in making it, don't get lost in your own little world because one day things might get out so out of hand and it will be too late to defend your character. But, love them and keep them in your heart and ALWAYS wish them well. 

What I Wish I Knew Then: 
What a blessing it is that my family loves Graham. I may never have a relationship with my in-laws, but its a shame on them. I feel like I've tried, but it's not worth it to me. Everyone has flaws. Graham has grown up to be a remarkable human being, everyone sees what a brilliant, kind and wonderful person he is. Also, NEVER conform or change who you are to make someone else more comfortable and happy with you.

Marina Song:
I Chose: Numb - Marina and the Diamonds

Why? It all goes back to living in my little world and being so afraid of failure. Balancing relationships and self awareness. It just fits. 


Numb
One track mind like a gold fish
Stuck inside my Petri dish
I can't breathe and I can't smile
This better be worth my while

I feel numb most of the time
The lower I get the higher I'll climb
And I will wonder why
I got dark only to shine
Looking for the golden light
Oh, it's a reasonable sacrifice
Burn, burn, burn bright

Forgo family, forgo friends
It's how it started, how it ends
I can't open up and cry
'Cause I've been silent all my life

I feel numb most of the time
The lower I get the higher I'll climb
And I will wonder why
I got dark only to shine
Looking for the golden light
Oh it's a reasonable sacrifice
Burn, burn, burn bright
Burn, burn, burn bright

Oh, I get dark oh and I'm in hell
I need a friend, oh but I can't yell
Yeah, I'm no good, no good to anyone
'Cause all I care about is being number one


Shine, looking for the golden light
Oh it's a reasonable sacrifice

Shine, looking for the golden light
Oh it's a reasonable sacrifice (sacrifice)

I feel numb most of the time
The lower I get the higher I'll climb
And I will wonder why
I got dark only to shine

And I light up the sky
Stars that burn the brightest
Fall so fast and pass you by
Cough like empty lighters

I feel numb most of the time
The lower I get the higher I'll climb
And I will wonder why
I get dark only to shine

And I light up the sky
Stars that burn the brightest
Fall so fast and pass you by
Spark like empty lighters

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